Examining the Merits of an Open Relationship

Having a ponderous day.  A recent discussion planted a seed in my mind that has been germinating since.  As a woman who has experienced her share of once passionate, then cooling, then finished relationships, I'm wondering if there is a more workable way of conducting them.

My conditioning has dictated that when one commits to another, it is to remain iron-clad by way an exclusive arrangement.  In my own experience, and through observing the experiences of others, there tends to be the same consistent pattern mentioned above of passionate, then cooling, then done.  What I've concluded is that men, in a general sense, appear to be incapable of sustaining romantic affection for any one woman for an extended period of time.  I'm not saying that men are incapable of loving a woman forever...I actually believe quite the opposite.  However, romantic affection and love are almost, if not as mutually exclusive, as sex and love. (That, my friends, is a topic for another time.)

Please do not mistake this as a slam against men.  I adore men.  I happen to be in possession of a mind that behaves every bit as much like a man's as it does a woman's.  Therefore, I am often able to see both sides of a situation when I choose to look at it objectively.  It is from my adoration of men that I elect to work toward understanding how they roll.  It is also why, as a woman, I have a desire to find harmony, well-being and endurance in my relationships with men.

Which leads me to ponder how, as men in general are so completely different in their emotional make-up and expression than women, we can achieve lasting, healthy relationships.  Healthy being the operative word.  This is my conclusion so far...subject to shift with additional information gained through observation:

To love someone doesn't mean to own them.  When I love someone, it runs deep within my soul.  As lovely as this is, it does not give me the right to attempt to possess them any more than it gives them the right to attempt to possess me.  In Buddhism, as well as other systems of thought, suffering results from our attachment to our expectations regarding the behavior of others.  In order to not suffer, we must strive to remain unattached to our expectations.  (As opposed to the erroneous belief that this requires we remain unattached altogether.) Easier said than done...or is it?  If we allow our minds to play with this concept awhile, it may just begin to release us from our conditioned responses to others.

So, if we apply this principle to relationships, we begin to see how in loosening our grip on the other, allowing them the freedom to express themselves authentically, we can quite possibly solidify the very foundation of our relationships.  When a relationship begins, it usually builds toward a desire to remain with each other exclusively...in the initial, more passionate stages.  However, as a relationship progresses, the passionate elements usually step aside, allowing for the more rational expression of partnership to flourish.  This is healthy, when allowed to naturally evolve.  Problems arise when other, less healthy elements that are usually generated from fear, begin to emerge.

We are intrinsically passionate animals.  Passion is invigorating and makes us feel joyful and alive.  It fuels the fire of creativity and the enthusiastic pursuit of our endeavors.  When passion wanes in a relationship, it can begin to feel stale and cloying.  Oftentimes, depression or the desire to break free are the result.  The relationship then either falls into a rut, or one or both of the partners begin to look elsewhere, feeling that experiencing someone else may bring a return of that passion, and fulfill the need to feel alive again.  This doesn't mean that their love for the other has died, nor has their commitment to the relationship.  It simply indicates that the passion that once stoked their fires is dying, and they develop an urge to reclaim it however they can.

This is where an open relationship may be the key to its salvation.  Operating on the premise that love and sex are mutually exclusive, is it possible to sustain a loving, healthy relationship while allowing the other to explore physical passion with another?  If we create a safe forum for our partners to express their enduring love for us, and also honestly express the need to explore outside the boundaries of our relationship, will the relationship be more likely to survive?  If put into practice, honesty and authenticity would then replace deceit.  It seems that many of us may want to escape our relationships, that may otherwise be sound, because we are not allowed to freely express our passion.  Something to ponder.

Of course, the ability to allow this would require both partners to be emotionally healthy and secure in their love for each other.  Integrity would be paramount.  Sometimes, even the knowledge that we have the option to explore will alleviate the need to actually do so.  Can we loosen our grip on each other just enough to save relationships that would otherwise be torn asunder?

It's worth a shot, yes?

Newly Released! Episode One of a new short story series!

Greetings, all!

This announcement is long overdue...I have been remiss.  My apologies.  My new erotic short story series Her Husband's Keeper has found a suitable home with Third Coast Publishing.  This is indeed good news.  I can now snuggle in with Penelope and approach my writing with renewed vigor...something yummy will surely result.

Meanwhile, Episode One: The Interview is a short intro sure to whet your erotic appetite.  You'll return again and again to accompany Kelly on her wild romp with her employer and others who wander close.  Go on...have a taste...

 

Her Husband's Keeper - Episode One: The Interview by Bella Noir

http://tinyurl.com/76w23jn