Smoking Out the Muse

Examining the Merits of an Open Relationship

2012-02-24T12:35:00.005-08:00

Having a ponderous day. A recent discussion planted a seed in my mind that has been germinating since. As a woman who has experienced her share of once passionate, then cooling, then finished relationships, I'm wondering if there is a more workable way of conducting them.

My conditioning has dictated that when one commits to another, it is to remain iron-clad by way an exclusive arrangement. In my own experience, and through observing the experiences of others, there tends to be the same consistent pattern mentioned above of passionate, then cooling, then done. What I've concluded is that men, in a general sense, appear to be incapable of sustaining romantic affection for any one woman for an extended period of time. I'm not saying that men are incapable of loving a woman forever...I actually believe quite the opposite. However, romantic affection and love are almost, if not as mutually exclusive, as sex and love. (That, my friends, is a topic for another time.)

Please do not mistake this as a slam against men. I adore men. I happen to be in possession of a mind that behaves every bit as much like a man's as it does a woman's. Therefore, I am often able to see both sides of a situation when I choose to look at it objectively. It is from my adoration of men that I elect to work toward understanding how they roll. It is also why, as a woman, I have a desire to find harmony, well-being and endurance in my relationships with men.

Which leads me to ponder how, as men in general are so completely different in their emotional make-up and expression than women, we can achieve lasting, healthy relationships. Healthy being the operative word. This is my conclusion so far...subject to shift with additional information gained through observation:

To love someone doesn't mean to own them. When I love someone, it runs deep within my soul. As lovely as this is, it does not give me the right to attempt to possess them any more than it gives them the right to attempt to possess me. In Buddhism, as well as other systems of thought, suffering results from our attachment to our expectations regarding the behavior of others. In order to not suffer, we must strive to remain unattached to our expectations. (As opposed to the erroneous belief that this requires we remain unattached altogether.) Easier said than done...or is it? If we allow our minds to play with this concept awhile, it may just begin to release us from our conditioned responses to others.

So, if we apply this principle to relationships, we begin to see how in loosening our grip on the other, allowing them the freedom to express themselves authentically, we can quite possibly solidify the very foundation of our relationships. When a relationship begins, it usually builds toward a desire to remain with each other exclusively...in the initial, more passionate stages. However, as a relationship progresses, the passionate elements usually step aside, allowing for the more rational expression of partnership to flourish. This is healthy, when allowed to naturally evolve. Problems arise when other, less healthy elements that are usually generated from fear, begin to emerge.

We are intrinsically passionate animals. Passion is invigorating and makes us feel joyful and alive. It fuels the fire of creativity and the enthusiastic pursuit of our endeavors. When passion wanes in a relationship, it can begin to feel stale and cloying. Oftentimes, depression or the desire to break free are the result. The relationship then either falls into a rut, or one or both of the partners begin to look elsewhere, feeling that experiencing someone else may bring a return of that passion, and fulfill the need to feel alive again. This doesn't mean that their love for the other has died, nor has their commitment to the relationship. It simply indicates that the passion that once stoked their fires is dying, and they develop an urge to reclaim it however they can.

This is where an open relationship may be the key to its salvation. Operating on the premise that love and sex are mutually exclusive, is it possible to sustain a loving, healthy relationship while allowing the other to explore physical passion with another? If we create a safe forum for our partners to express their enduring love for us, and also honestly express the need to explore outside the boundaries of our relationship, will the relationship be more likely to survive? If put into practice, honesty and authenticity would then replace deceit. It seems that many of us may want to escape our relationships, that may otherwise be sound, because we are not allowed to freely express our passion. Something to ponder.

Of course, the ability to allow this would require both partners to be emotionally healthy and secure in their love for each other. Integrity would be paramount. Sometimes, even the knowledge that we have the option to explore will alleviate the need to actually do so. Can we loosen our grip on each other just enough to save relationships that would otherwise be torn asunder?

It's worth a shot, yes?

Newly Released! Episode One of a new short story series!

2012-02-18T09:01:00.000-08:00

Greetings, all!

This announcement is long overdue...I have been remiss. My apologies. My new erotic short story series Her Husband's Keeper has found a suitable home with Third Coast Publishing. This is indeed good news. I can now snuggle in with Penelope and approach my writing with renewed vigor...something yummy will surely result.

Meanwhile, Episode One: The Interview is a short intro sure to whet your erotic appetite. You'll return again and again to accompany Kelly on her wild romp with her employer and others who wander close. Go on...have a taste...

Her Husband's Keeper - Episode One: The Interview by Bella Noir

http://tinyurl.com/76w23jn

A Study in Men

2011-02-03T19:02:00.000-08:00

Recently, a friend who knows that, while I enjoy an occasional foray into the girl zone, I prefer men for a steady diet, asked me to describe why this is so. That's an easy one; it's where I live in my head on an almost perpetual basis. Come lie beside me awhile while I show you what I find irresistible about a man. Don't worry...I'll share what I enjoy about women later...

Whenever I've recounted my sexual experiences with women to others, upon arriving at the part where I describe what I found missing, people always assume it's the penis. While that is certainly an important component, it's not the whole kahuna. What I miss the most are the rest of the sensual elements one experiences with a man, such as:

His personal scent...absolutely nothing like it. Burying my face in a man's neck and breathing him in is so IT for me. All his myriad aromas from his head hair to his parts and everything in between has a powerful aphrodisiac effect on me. I think it's the differential at work here; I'm used to the scent of a woman. Men bring their own aromatic component to the mix. I especially love it when his redolence remains with me after he's gone home...intoxicating.

The tactile sensation...the feel of a man; his skin beneath my fingers, my palms and my body as I glide atop his...my nipples awakening as they caress his contours. The weight of his body upon mine, the firmness of his form that is so very different than my own, and especially the feel of him in my mouth; his lips, skin when I suck on various parts of him, and of course, his penis...positively yummy. Can't get enough. It's also in how he touches me. There's nothing more nirvana-esque than to be in the company of a man who knows how to really appreciate the full-spectrum of experiencing a woman. Sadly, they are rare in my experience...M is the only one thus far who has fully achieved it with me. That in itself is my own special torment...my constant hell.

The vocal sounds a man makes...all of them. From the whisper and feel of his breath in my ear, on my neck and body to the unique, guttural resonance of his orgasm, and everything in between, sends me absolutely through the roof. I love the tonal quality his voice adopts when he's riding the waves of pleasure and articulates it with me...mmm... So men, know this; when you reach the pinnacle of climactic release, allow yourself an audible release as well. There is nothing that brings me more pleasure - and slams me straight into Earth-shattering climax - than to simultaneously feel you pulsating inside me while hearing you proclaim it. If I haven't orgasmed yet, you can be sure that will inspire it.

The salty taste of a man is unique from that of a woman...I seriously CRAVE having my mouth on him...tasting his skin, his mouth...all of him. Drinking him in. My tongue delights in tracing his contours and finding the fusion point where one delicious tang merges with another. Each man has his own, distinct flavor. They are Baskin-Robbins on steroids, I'm tellin' ya. My mouth waters with longing just thinking of it...

And, of course, his cock. Maybe it's just from my own experience...but a finger just doesn't cut it for me. I know there are strap-ons and dildos that can be employed while with a woman, but it's just not the same. The feel of him filling me up; of him fitting inside me snugly while my muscles grip his shaft and I feel the sharp/soft edge of its head burnishing my insides...unnnhh...my God...it's irreplaceable to me.

If I had more time, and if I didn't think it would inspire me to walk over to the nearest wall and begin to pummel it with my head, I'd elaborate further. Suffice it to say that these key elements are a big reason why I will never be solely with women.

This does not, however, preclude the occasional feminine dalliance. Oh no...not at all...

It Could get Noisy...

2011-01-07T16:15:00.000-08:00

She's back...my muse. I made a place for her in the bed beside me and together we peered at the bluish cast emanating from the screen of my laptop. She moved in close; her exotic scent, intoxicating and delicious, began to work its power within me. Moving soft, dewy lips nearer my ear, she had only to breathe one word and she owned me once again. "Baby...."

Parts of me always respond to her, both physically and intellectually. She likes that about me, and I'm sure that's why she's back. I don't know where she's been, but I suspect she didn't care for my choice of lovers with this last one. Perhaps she was lurking, torturing me with the desire to write, yet pulling back before I could grab on and drag her close.

She returned shortly after the bulging shoebox of mementos, the last remnants of my journey alongside him, was snatched up in a quiet, tear-stained rage and evicted, along with his hold over me, to the basement storage unit. I can still feel it there, but my muse has shifted between it and I, blocking all its power and claiming me for her own again. How I've missed her. My Penelope. I've only managed to choke out my column and a few dispassionate articles every month in her absence.

Now the fun begins...

Penelope

2011-01-07T10:12:00.000-08:00

She came to me last night - after a postponement of coital release left me bouncing off the walls - and raked her fingernails down my back. Mmmmm...delicious. It's been too long, my muse. Where have you been?

Advice from a Friend

2010-12-09T10:09:00.000-08:00

Explore my pain. A fellow writer friend suggests I do that. Good plan, I'm thinking. The other methods I've employed, such as slamming them down and covering them up with all manner of debris, or candy-coating them beneath the facade of a positive exterior are certainly not working for me. What's that pearl of wisdom now bonking at my cranium? Repeating the same actions expecting different results... Yeah. Crazy.

I've been wrestling with writer's block for some time now. My current scapegoat is the narcissistic train wreck of a lover that I've just recently unloaded. The idea is not entirely without merit, really. He did suck just about every creative instinct out of me in his perpetual lust for my soul. Dramatic? Perhaps. However, the emotional turmoil that constituted our relationship was a bit of a covert tragedy. I, the one who professes to despise drama managed to let one slip under my radar. I live, I learn. And learn. And learn.

My friend, the one with the sage advice, is onto something here...as I suspect he frequently is. He and I are often diametrically opposed in our approach to life, and while that can generally lead to conflict in most friendships it tends to solidify ours. I think mutual respect is the key. While our occasional clash of wills may inspire one to spit out some colloquial idiom at the other, we always manage to get something really chewy out of the exchange. Not necessarily a love/hate situation, but just one where we find each other exasperatingly fascinating. Life is so much richer with him in it, of that much I am certain.

Thanks, my friend. I think it's already working.